Roller Coaster

Lake Zurich- Even on the cloudiest days, still one of my happy places.

I’ve been in a difficult space the last few weeks.  Moving back to the US has been like a rollercoaster of highs and lows.  Yes, I read all the articles and books that told me I’d feel this way, and that it would be difficult, but it’s like explaining sex to a virgin.  You can explain the science, but the feelings don’t make sense until it happens.

I’ve been carrying the weight of our simultaneously happy and sad girls.  The holidays are coming and everyday someone is sad that they aren’t “home”.  It’s left me a little fried, and frankly, with little room for me to write to process how I’m feeling.

I feel like there’s guilt that comes with taking time for yourself.  Yes, we see things advertising self-care all over the place, and that we need to give ourselves grace.  But, as much as I love my eye cream, it doesn’t feel the same as when I give myself the grace to take a moment to myself or accept failure.  I’m a perfectionist.  Failure is hard for me.  I overthink and pick myself apart when I’m not careful.  I think a lot of people do this and feel like it’s just something that we do- and it is, but I think it’s something to catch yourself on. 

Sometimes we all need a healthy look in the mirror to recognize that we are okay.  Being tired when life is tiring is okay.  Feeling fried when you’re caring for little people, or old people, or a sick or emotionally draining partner is okay.  Being human is okay.  I’m too tired right now to pretend that everything is perfect.  It’s not!  But our kids are happy when they aren’t crying for “their Switzerland”.  They’re thrilled to have their awesome schools, sweet friends, and American candy, bbq and soul food.  And lord, they are thankful for good old American burgers.

Meanwhile, for myself, I’m looking forward to getting back in the groove of sharing regularly.  This Sunday, I will FINALLY be sharing an amazing interview with my lovely, supportive friend, Susan Bradfield.  She’s an Aussie photographer that I met in Zurich.  She’s a wonderful photography teacher, landscape and travel photographer, and does beautiful family photos.  I look forward to sharing her journey into photography, as well as some fabulous photography advice.

I have a lot of fun things in the works- styling your home and hearth for the holidays, yummy recipes, and interviews with some of my fabulous friends.  Thanks for your patience during this crazy transition.  I’m really excited for what’s to come.

Our 4 year-old took this when we were taking photos in Provence. It popped up on my phone today and was a gentle reminder to let things be.

The Art of Saying "No"

“No.”  How many times have you been asked a question, and simply said, “no” without an explanation.  I’m going to take a risk here and say it’s been zero.  Okay, maybe less than five.

As women, we’re taught that when we don’t want to, we should be apologetic for not being able to, or for not wanting to do something.  Men, well, they get a free pass to just give a perfunct “no” to most things.  It’s silly.  If a man tells us that we’re emotional creatures, we get upset, but the reality is, we are.  We give a reason for not doing things ALL THE TIME.  Don’t even try to deny it!  I know you, sister!  It’s ALMOST as bad as the dreaded “I’m sorry.” that women throw out all the damn time in the view of being polite or politically correct.  Listen to me, if someone steps on your foot, please stop being sorry.  If you have a differing opinion, own it, and DO NOT BE SORRY.  That’s going to be the end of that chat. Take it to heart, because I’ve said it enough to the women in my life, that I am simply out of evens.

Now, back to “no”.  You want to be heard?  You want someone to believe you when you say “no” to anything from an invitation to an advance?  Own your “no”.  Do NOT wiffle-waffle.  You don’t have to give a reason for saying no.  You don’t have to make an excuse.  You do. not. have. to.

Being strong does not always have to do with being able to withstand emotional or physical pain.  Oftentimes it’s about enabling yourself to create boundaries unapologetically.  We are such a polite culture, but is it really polite to say yes to something you don’t really want to commit to?  Is it polite to be anything other than your authentic self?  No.  So, say it with me, “NO.”   

I learned this years ago when someone told me to own my time.  It’s my time, and frankly, I never have enough of it.  Over the years, I’ve gradually cut out things that I call “the lettuce” or filler in my life, because at the end of the day, there is no time for me to do things half way.  I’m not being rude by saying no.  I’m not doing it to hurt anyone, I’m doing it to save my sanity, and to be honest about what’s important to me- my husband, our children, and the people that I’m close to.  I refuse to be sorry for making time for things that matter, and -for the most part- saying NO without guilt or explanation for the things I cannot or do not want to do.  Once I made that choice, I genuinely felt a weight lift from my life, and I truly think you will too.

Check in this week for travel tips on visiting one of my favorite cities, Cordoba.  Also, in the spirit of graduation season, I’ll be sharing an interview with my friend, Courtney Abraham, Global Head of Talent Strategy and Development at the Adecco Group.

Mastering Self-Doubt

“Self-doubt robs you of your potential.”  About a year ago, our eldest daughter asked me what I dreamt of doing as a girl.  When I thought about it, all of my girlish hopes ran through my mind…pediatrician (my mathematical abilities and self-doubt killed that one), fashion designer (again, confidence was not my strong suit), superhero (okay, that one may have been a reach), the list goes on.

When I got pregnant with our first baby, I read every pregnancy and parenting book out there.  I’m really not kidding.  I read about the militant moms, the crunchy moms, the moms that stopped showering, doctors who are moms, fashionistas who are moms, you name it, I read it.  My takeaway was this:  No one knows what the hell they’re doing.  No one.  And I’m fairly sure we should all start saving for therapy the moment we pee on the stick, because frankly, no matter how amazing or present of a parent you are, you’re going to mess these humans up.  Because, hold on to your bootstraps…you’re human.

So how does this relate to self-doubt?  Here’s how.  If you doubt yourself, if you listen to that horrible, whiny, vicious bitch in your mind, I can guarantee you that you will accomplish nothing.  I mean it.  Nothing.

Chew on that.

Now look in the mirror.  What’s your first instinct?  Did you pick yourself apart, or did you identify the good? 

Last Saturday, our eight-year old attended a birthday party and told me there was a girl there who wouldn’t eat a donut because she didn’t want to be fat.  I told Laela that I personally believe that if you say unkind things about your body, your body can hear you, and you should treat yourself with kindness.  Do you eat a hundred donuts?  No.  But it’s equally unhealthy to tell yourself that donuts are the devil.  Extremism and negative self-talk are the enemy here.

None of us are perfect.  Maybe you have a slightly big nose, maybe your ears stick out.  Maybe you’re amazing at math, but can barely spell your name.  You can choose to focus on those things you consider shortcomings, you can dwell on the things that you’re not so great at, or you can channel that focus into positive self-talk.  You may surprise yourself by how much you can accomplish by believing in yourself.

The moment we had our first child, I realized that she is watching me.  She is watching how I speak to myself, how I speak about myself, and how I treat myself.  Being a positive role model isn’t just about how we treat others or what we do - it’s about showing kindness to ourselves.  I hear myself in our children on a daily basis (sometimes this is hilarious, sometimes terrifying). 

I was so awful to myself for so many years.  I took every negative thing that was said to me, and I held it inside as if my heart were a safe for all those horrible things.  One day, I decided that I wasn’t going to hear that inner critic anymore.  It’s taken almost ten years, and removing negative, detrimental people from my life, but I feel good about my choices and I learn from my mistakes.  I’m (usually) kind to myself.

Being kind to yourself is just as important as eating healthy and exercising regularly.  It enables you to reach your true potential (which if you allow yourself, may surprise you).  Be kind.  Do your best.  Work hard.  Dive into life without fear of failure, because I’m telling you, even the worst failures can be so freeing and so awesome.

This is our middle babe, Coco. She refused to be anything but Superhero Princess Coco for the last two Halloweens.