Treading Water

We bow, we don’t break, we branch out.  Women have this ability to see the entirety of things, the ability to find the good stuff, the ability to connect people- that’s the sisterhood showing its best self.

Eight years ago, I looked at my husband and told him that I had a feeling his career would take off in a way that would cause us to move around.  He, being the most humble person I have ever met, laughed at me and kind of brushed me off.  A year later, we were told that we’d be moving every year or so for a program that would accelerate his career.  Here we were in our mid-twenties, about to go on the ride of our life, with our beautiful one-year old baby in tow.

Fast-forward almost a decade, and we’ve got three little girls, have lived in 8 homes, 3 countries, and 5 cities.  Our kids are the most chilled out travelers you’d ever meet.  They’ve eaten food you’ve only seen on “No Reservations” or read about in “National Geographic”.  They don’t care what language you speak, or what you look like.  They care if you’re kind, fair, and are willing to play hard on the playground.

My husband and I have learned to get by in different languages and to quickly immerse ourselves in other cultures.  It’s changed the way we parent, the way we view family, and in some ways, it has helped us learn to appreciate just how valuable family time is.

You might be thinking to yourself, this woman is bonkers.  Cultures aren’t that different, Western Europe is all the same, people are people no matter how you shake them, and I’m here to tell you that you’re wrong, but also that you’re right.  People are people. True.  But, the way you’re raised, the idea of what is and is not safe, what’s moral and immoral, that’s cultural, my friends.

Who are you at your cultural core?  As an American, I’ve learned that other countries don’t lean on the cultures of their ancestors the way we do (to be fair, the vast majority of those counties are older than ours).  How has it impacted your choices, who you are, your beliefs, and what you like to do?

For me, the last four and a half weeks have consisted of my family and I trying to navigate our feelings about being back in the US.  It feels differently than it did from when we moved back from Italy.  Very differently.  We all feel like cultural melting pots, and we can’t figure out where we fit.

You know how we turn into our spouse and our friends the more we’re around them?  You don’t mean to, but you do.  That’s how living in a different culture for an extended period of time is.  You gradually start to absorb certain aspects of that culture, whether you want or mean to.  So, leaving that culture, in the same way that starting with a new set of friends, or a new spouse, is difficult.  The thing is, when you’re returning to your own culture, everyone assumes you’ll be fine, but the reality is, you’re trying to wear jeans that used to fit, but they just don’t. 

I’m in a fortunate situation where even though I left a place that my family and I really loved and felt at home in, we have moved to a place where there are so many people that we love so much.  I have such amazing friends here in Atlanta, the kind of deep friendships that some women just don’t seem to think really exist.  I’m here to tell you, sisters- your people are out there.  Just be open, be kind, and give it time.

I know that I’ll see my Zurich and Florence sistahs sooner than not, and that I’m so lucky to have my Atlanta sisters to welcome my family and I home, and help us adjust.  I know that in a year, I’ll have a different perspective, but right now, right now I’m trying to tread water to stay afloat.  I’ll swim to shore soon.  Just not yet.

Moving.

We’re moving back to America in a few weeks, and I’ve been going through the motions.  My friends have all been loving and supportive, but sometimes explaining expat life is like explaining having a baby to someone who hasn't had a baby.  It's not challenging to understand the semantics, but truly understanding the experience isn't easy. Parts of me are fundamentally different than the person I was before I left.  Our children have had experiences that most kids never have.  We’re all feeling a little culturally out of place, and as if we’re straddling two lives while we say farewell to one, and hello to another.

We’ve repatriated before (hey, I’m not pregnant this time!), but this time feels different.  I had a baby here, our almost five-year-old defines herself as Swiss, and our eldest understands that she’s American, but doesn’t define herself as one.  Here’s the deal.  I researched expat life and repatriation the last time we did this, and I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on these last few weeks, and here’s the reality.  No one knows anything.

Moving to different countries makes you different in an undefinable way.  The best way that I can attempt to explain it, is this.  Imagine you are living in a house full of windows.  Now imagine that the shades are drawn.  That’s what I define life in the “comfort zone”, or your home country.  There’s nothing wrong with that kind of life. It’s a good life.

Now imagine that all of the shades come up, and then the glass is gone.  Totally raw exposure.  That’s what expat life has felt like for me.  I was raised with a very open world view, and then moving abroad twice has caused me to feel more open than I ever thought possible.  More curious than I ever knew I could be.  I want to know more.  See more.  Experience more.  I want to KNOW what it’s like to visit exotic places and live in places that are different than where I grew up. 

By nature, I’ve never been happy with inauthentic relationships.  I’m not a halfway person.  I believe that the people you surround yourself with are who you will become, so choose wisely and be aware of what you want in your life.  Being an expat has enabled me to learn things about myself and our family that I don’t think we would have learned, had we not had these experiences. 

I’m nervous to move back to the US for a variety of reasons- are our kids safe? (Switzerland has provided our girls with a very safe space to learn to be independent and self-sufficient), how will I fare without my best friend that I see almost every day, co-parents with me, and just understands me?, how will living in the States feel since we’ve been gone so long, and life has just kept going in the same direction (for the most part) for our friends at home?, how will our girls adjust to American schooling (our 8 year-old has never had homework, and gets a lot more time on the playground that the US allotted 24 minute recess.)?  It’s the spinning web of worry and questioning that I rely on my expat super-mamas for, because no matter how well intentioned, relatively few, if any of my friends who have never had this life experience, will ever understand just how difficult this all feels.

At the end of the day, I know that everything will fall into place.  I have a girlfriend going through a very similar experience, and I keep reminding her to give herself the same amount of grace that she gives everyone else.  It’s SO hard to practice grace and patience without myself.  So hard.  I’m a perfectionist and I want everything to be the way I want it to be.  I want Switzerland, Italy, and America to be an hour flight away.  I want my best friends to live next door.  I want our girls to grow up with all of the people that love them close by- but that’s not the life we chose, so I just have to be happy with frequent trips to rub pregnant bellies, hold babies, hang out with friends, explore, and show love as much as possible.  I have to keep reminding our girls, as we always have, that the ability to show up is the best gift you can give someone.  And we do.  We always show up.  We make time.  Locations may change, but the love, the love stays the same.

Our Swiss Miss and I a few weeks after we got home from the hospital, when my eyeballs still felt like they were going to fall out of my head.

The Art of Saying "No"

“No.”  How many times have you been asked a question, and simply said, “no” without an explanation.  I’m going to take a risk here and say it’s been zero.  Okay, maybe less than five.

As women, we’re taught that when we don’t want to, we should be apologetic for not being able to, or for not wanting to do something.  Men, well, they get a free pass to just give a perfunct “no” to most things.  It’s silly.  If a man tells us that we’re emotional creatures, we get upset, but the reality is, we are.  We give a reason for not doing things ALL THE TIME.  Don’t even try to deny it!  I know you, sister!  It’s ALMOST as bad as the dreaded “I’m sorry.” that women throw out all the damn time in the view of being polite or politically correct.  Listen to me, if someone steps on your foot, please stop being sorry.  If you have a differing opinion, own it, and DO NOT BE SORRY.  That’s going to be the end of that chat. Take it to heart, because I’ve said it enough to the women in my life, that I am simply out of evens.

Now, back to “no”.  You want to be heard?  You want someone to believe you when you say “no” to anything from an invitation to an advance?  Own your “no”.  Do NOT wiffle-waffle.  You don’t have to give a reason for saying no.  You don’t have to make an excuse.  You do. not. have. to.

Being strong does not always have to do with being able to withstand emotional or physical pain.  Oftentimes it’s about enabling yourself to create boundaries unapologetically.  We are such a polite culture, but is it really polite to say yes to something you don’t really want to commit to?  Is it polite to be anything other than your authentic self?  No.  So, say it with me, “NO.”   

I learned this years ago when someone told me to own my time.  It’s my time, and frankly, I never have enough of it.  Over the years, I’ve gradually cut out things that I call “the lettuce” or filler in my life, because at the end of the day, there is no time for me to do things half way.  I’m not being rude by saying no.  I’m not doing it to hurt anyone, I’m doing it to save my sanity, and to be honest about what’s important to me- my husband, our children, and the people that I’m close to.  I refuse to be sorry for making time for things that matter, and -for the most part- saying NO without guilt or explanation for the things I cannot or do not want to do.  Once I made that choice, I genuinely felt a weight lift from my life, and I truly think you will too.

Check in this week for travel tips on visiting one of my favorite cities, Cordoba.  Also, in the spirit of graduation season, I’ll be sharing an interview with my friend, Courtney Abraham, Global Head of Talent Strategy and Development at the Adecco Group.

Make Time.

For the last two weeks, my girls and I have been taking “Flat Stanley” on adventures in Zurich for our dear friend, Henry, in Georgia.  His second-grade class was inspired to use the Flat Stanley books to connect with friends or family that live far away.  You send Stanley in the post, and your friends/family send you some photos and mementos from the adventures he had.

This comes at an interesting time for our family, as we’ve been in flux about where we’re going to land after this school year.  We’ve moved seven times with our kids, and our eldest has gone to four schools.  Needless to say, we all feel like our hearts are a bit scattered across the planet.  Sometimes that causes a disconnect between friends and family, so it means a lot when people like Henry, and his supermom, Christine, make the extra effort to reach out, visit, and send small reminders that we have another “home” with people that love us.

I’ve always struggled with the idea of “home”.  I’ve moved over twenty times in my life, and I don’t ever remember feeling like a place was my home.  I’m very, very rooted in people, the majority of which I’ve met throughout the last few moves, and they’ve become the family that I never realized I needed. This has taught our girls to nurture their friendships, no matter where they are.  Call, write, send a message or photo.  Charlotte, our middle bean, is obsessed with sending letters.  The girls have a keen understanding that it takes effort to have and maintain relationships, and if I have anything positive to take away from their being uprooted so often over the last 8 years, it’s that they have a sense of just how important people are.

That said, let me leave you with some advice.  I once had a professor fill a jar with marbles.  He asked us if the jar was full.  Half the class said, yes.  The other half recognized that the jar still had space.  He then poured in sand, as a reminder that there is a lot more space in that jar than you think. 

My advice is this- make time.  Everyone is busy.  It’s our current human condition.  If you love someone, and you want to maintain a relationship with them, during your busy life, make time.  Put a reminder in your phone, or on your calendar if you kick it old school with a day-planner.  Because at the end of the day, at the end of your life, the things that matter, are your people- the builders in your life and the builders OF your life.